the only domestic instinct my parents have managed to pass on to me is the tendency to hoard multiple plastic bags in another plastic bag despite the fact that I will probably never need this many plastic bags in my adult life
not my family bitch
why am i crying“Stay away of my territory”
THERE’S THE BANANA GUY
You know, Guardians of the Galaxy was not the first film I’ve watched in which Vin Diesel voiced a character that barely spoke and yet destroyed me with a single line of dialogue
need I remind you
Probablythe best 6 seconds ever.
i fucking lost it
OMG IM LAUGHING SO HARD RN HIS FACE WAS ONE OF PURE TERROR OHMYGOD
I just tried to discretely use one if the body sprays at work cuz it was called Fantasy Forest and I was like…. I’m down…. BUT IT JUST SMELLS LIKE REALLY STRONG DIRT AND A GUY YELLED “WHO SPRAYED THAT FOREST ELF SHIT” FROM ACROSS THE STORE
This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.